This is just a book I had started writing about a girl who has a disease. She has been living in the hospital all her life and wants to get out. To be honest I wrote this because I was bored, then I decided to make it a portfolio piece because it had turned out pretty decent. So please enjoy!
**ADDRESS
http://www.scribd.com/doc/26179957/Trapped-Chapter-One
~Alex Conces
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Iv really liked your story. You showed the characters feelings very well and described the setting good too. I think maybe you could have made it a bit longer. I loved it tho, overall!!
ReplyDeleteThis story is very interesting. You did a great job at giving detail to everything. It was clear and I could picture the hospital in my mind. I was only a little confused though about the conflict. I'm not sure what the character is in the hospital for, but it is great overall.
ReplyDeleteI really like it! It is very good at drawing the reader in. The voice is great. However, in the second to last paragraph, it says “It the one hour I watched TV”. This is incorrect grammar. That is all I can find. If this were a real story, I would read it.
ReplyDelete−Phoenix
Alex, I really enjoyed your piece.It was very intriging. The only thing that was wrong with it was at the top of the second page, the first sentence of the first paragraph...i understood it, but it was a little confususing at first. I loved your voice in the piece, and the good detail, and description. I loved the hook at the end of chapter 1 :) great job
ReplyDeleteAwesome piece Alex! I especially like the line "leaving the city behind to dwell without my gaze". I think you have really nice word choice and should let it show more through this piece. This chapter was lacking some action but you included the narrative hook at the end. Id love to read the next few chapters of this book!
ReplyDeleteWow this piece was really amazing. The descriptions were very developed and I loved how your personality showed through it. The ending makes the reader imagine what will happen next. You should be proud of this!
ReplyDeleteVery interesting. It had an obvious annoyed tone and I thought that it was conveyed well the perpective you chose (that of a 16 yr old girl), very few gramatical errors and good description.
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