At the age of 8, I was forunate enough to be able to go on a trip that would be remembered forever. This trip was to Kigali, Rwanda. (That's in the center of Africa.) Seven years later, I was inspired to write about it. Living in a thrid-world country is pretty big and I wanted to share my experiences with everyone. I wrote in detail key events that took place while I lived in Africa. Enjoy:)
*PRESS
http://www.scribd.com/doc/25938771/Personal-Peice2
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Zach, your story was really good. I really liked how you described a little bit of everything that you experienced while in Africa. I think the first sentence is good, but I think you need to add a little something to it because I think it is a fragment. You used the word 'granit', which should be granted, the granit you used is a stone. I like how you incorporated little details, even though there wasn't a lot of detail, you added enough to make the event interesting. You wrote '40ft' which needs to be written out completely. I think this is a unique story with really interesting word choice. Good job:)
ReplyDeleteI love this piece, Zach. The imagery is amazing and you have a very strong voice behind it. I like how you wrote it as if you were talking to a friend and not making it so formal. It takes courage to open up like that, too. The only thing I would think about changing is a few of the sentence structures and the wording. Besides just a few minor convention problems, this piece is awesome and you should be proud of it. :)
ReplyDeleteYour piece was really good Zach. The imagery was great in this piece. One thing that you could improve on would be to replace the word "stuff" with different ones to avoid redundancy. I think this piece will make many people really look back at what they have and be grateful.
ReplyDeletenot bad, not bad at all. like the others said your use of imagery was good. one thing is almost the whole thing was one big paragraph, other than that it was pretty good. i enjoyed reading this man, good job.
ReplyDeleteI think you should strengthen your voice within your piece. 'You start to realize how blessed you are to have the things you have.' This is a good sentence, but it sounds a bit repetitive, perhaps you should say, 'You start to realize how blessed you truly are.' It also seems like you're using a lot of fragments, try to develope your sentences more, it'll make the piece longer, and it will be more effective. Like Annelise said its granted. In the sentence, 'After a few trips to the city, after the first two days...' Choose one or the other, that simple statement is making the sentece a run on. Watch your spelling and word choice, for example, you said 'where' and its 'were.' Also watch your placement of commas, some are in places that they don't need to be.
ReplyDeleteWith these corrections I'm sure you will have a very successful piece.
-Miranda
zach, i really liked how you used great detail which made me really understand your times in africa. you need to work on your sentence structure though, it wasnt as good as you can do. you have great potential as a writer, and keep up the good work !!!
ReplyDeletezach, your piece was really good. I think you had a really strong voice throughout the piece, and that mixed with all your descripitions made me able to really picture what you were describing. I think you could improve your piece a bit by making it a little longer and adding details but overall i thought it was a really good piece. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteZachary, beautiful piece. You made this trip sound so exciting and different! I was especially touched when you wrote about the young boy that was begging on the streets that made you cry. That was very thoughtful and kind that you felt so grateful for all you had! Maybe you could add a little more imagery and description, and a solid ending. Other than that, great job (:
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