For this portfolio piece, I wanted to show the reader a memory from my childhood. It wasn't the best, but surely one that I will remember for the rest of my life. I also wanted to share the same emotions and feelings I had through this experience, like in a regular story. I hope you like it! Please if you don't like it, then just tell me because I don't even know if this is a could peice or not:/
PRESS:)!!!!!
Kristen
....made revisions on printed version of peice because of computer issues:P
I think you could of used more imagery so as a reader i could feel your emotions, and sense the setting. More description of what you heard, saw felt..ect. Also, i believe the peice could of been longer in more detail. Better word choice to build imagery as well would of helped. Good job.
ReplyDeleteIn the beginning I would suggest that you take out the 'It was just about' because you said it once before in the paragraph above that and it sounds a bit repetitive. Same concept when you say 'definitely.' In the third paragraph it should be, 'there were so many yummy options to choose from' not 'was.' In the fourth paragraph its 'threw' not 'through.' And finally for the last paragraph its 'on to' not 'unto.'
ReplyDeleteHope I helped.
-Miranda
i agree with miranda,you sound repetitive in the sentence and you should take it out. also, a little more description would be good too. besides that, good piece and very interesting
ReplyDeleteKristen, i thought your piece was really good! I really liked how you started it comparing t.v epoisdeds to memories. I thought you had a really strong voice in the piece and it flowed together well. I agree with Nate, that you could have been a little more descriptive, and maybe just add a couple more details. Overall you had a really great piece. Good job kristen!
ReplyDelete